I should be doing my homework right now, and studying, and reading great works of literature, but here I am, on the Internet, finding awesome junk.
Hey, in my defense, I spend most of my time on smart people's websites, like onelook's reverse dictionary (if I knew how, I'd put a link up here) There, when I have a word on the tip of my tongue, and the thesaurus doesn't help, I can type in a vauge idea and get a list of words that have the vague idea in the definition. Very helpful, especially when I'm writing and I want to emulate the persona of an intellectual.
Just now, I was crusin' through my teachers' webpages to see if there were any tests coming up. (and to waste time, I don't like homework).
My English teacher had a cool link to this totally awesome college application essay from around 1990(i teenk), which I shall post here:

"This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor
category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in
the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary
fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York
City. Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in Newtown Square,
Pennsylvania, and will attend New York University this fall.

ESSAY
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE
TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK
THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE
THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD,
OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE
HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for
three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I
can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and
I can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an
expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from
a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was
scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I
enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless
bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I
receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international circles.
Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every
food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations
for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated
with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to
write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using
only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I
have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri
Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college."

Man, If I could write like that... *sigh* Someone that clever totally deserves to go to NYU. Reading things like that make me want to achieve, ya know, just to be able to do things like that. I bet that guy isn't a procrastinator, or at least is a very skilled one.

The website that had that - [link] - also had a bunch of other little jokes that I eagerly perused...in leiu of studying (hey, they were educational jokes right? puns are rhetorical devices after all).

Tell me if you've heard this one:
-"Cheese that isn't yours:
Nacho cheese"
-"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef"
-"I doubt, therefore I might be"
-"Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it."
-"If you try to fail, and suceed, which have you done?"
-"Why is it still called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?"
-"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out"
-"Comparisons are as bad as cliches"
-"If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was
intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch
for your chance and hit him with a brick.">TWAIN (rulez!)
-" It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it
and remove all doubt." >TEH TWAINSTER
-"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." >T-man
-"Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it." -Twain again
-"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you
please." -captain Twain
-"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning" -Twainy

There was some English in there, right? There was more awesome stuff, but this journal is long enough, nay?

Startin' the revolution and fightin' DA MAN -- Wordybirdie (earning the namesake aren't I?)